Guru Balan
1986

personality Development
04-VC-149
Aug 6th o4

There are two ways to study a butterfly; run around and catch it with a net and study its dead body or sit by the garden and watch it fly from one flower to another

I really don’t know how to start this writing. Its not due to lack of ideas but rather due to excess amount of thoughts. When I need to portray myself in a textual medium I tend to hit around the bushes. It in itself isn’t terribly wrong, but for the simple fact that it gets boring to read prompts to be conscience.

I don’t want to constrain my flow of thoughts by presenting this write up with questions that I answer. The problem I see in that is that it tends to flow in one direction and I personally feel that human mind and its thoughts never flow that way. So why not just write what comes to the mind and believe that what got said is the product being spontaneous and then just feel happy.

Ok… the moment I am writing all this, I have already started hitting around the bush.. so I shall start my journey within and hope to get  clarity as my fingers type, and carve its way through the most beautiful places of ones memory.

I was born at a place far away from the place where I am now. Empty streets, which were occasionally embedded with yellow streetlights, are the images I remember. The nights used to be dim and dull,   though so pleasant, as there would be an unspoken fragrance in the air that relaxed even the tired labour’s mind. This is exactly why I feel nostalgic quite often thoughts get messy and tangled.

I believe ‘who I am’ is not really about my memories. It is about my present views on the world and how I have put across these views. If I were to describe myself , I would say that I am a curious young lad who wants to learn and question things around. Meet new people and places and believe that life is precious. To frame it in other words, I believe that I am eager to know life and its complexities, so that at the end of it I could tell myself that I have made an attempt to understand why I had lived in this planet. My first view, which is would like to share, is about being young and what it means to be so.

To be young…
I myself am a young guy and to be honest, I like being young (though I have not yet experienced being old). It’s an age where I have started seeing things differently and there is a lot of energy to be exploited. I like the roaring seas and the calm breeze, like the empty roads and crowded celebrations, a ripe sweet fruit and a young girl’s smile, dreams that make you feel light and music that sets you to dance. I seem to enjoy even the small moments in life, which means more often my emotions and my practical side merge, and life at no point gets laborious or monotonous.

‘Adolescence’ is a phase within the time of being young. I feel I have grown out of it for various reasons. Yet to look back a little, its time when one starts to get aware of ones presence as a boy or a girl. There is a natural urge for romance. Its beautiful in its own way. It is pure as its spontaneously felt and its so youthful as dynamic. But the unfortunate side to this is that it is more often never seen this way. There is so much guilt involved. There is  a suppression of feeling and young people grow to be frustrated. Adults, don’t often see it as a process of growth. There is no or very little sharing between the adults (who have grown out of it) and the adolescents. As romance is the most complex feeling to be handled at that age, adults need to share and participate. And the adolescents growth needs to be wholesome. As these things don’t happen, young people pick up coloured ideas and manipulate beliefs about the opposite sex, which invariably leads to lack of respects and an ugly way to deal with sexual feelings.   

Violence….

This is one area on which I think about a lot. We as people are very violent and this violence has been taken for granted to such an extent that we enjoy scenes of  mass destruction and bloodshed in various forms through media. Its called entertainment; an irony which is le to be. Unquestioned. To forcefully express a view, or in other words violently show ones point of view, is in an attempt to overpower the other. This is born out of frustration and lack of self-trust and confidence. Its actually a move from a weak person who is not able to healthily share and express his position.

There is violence at all levels. Teachers beat a young kid in an effort to ‘educate’ him or make him disciplined. And I have this strong belief that learning cannot happen out of fear. The punishing methods are a lame effort to teach. They force, and there by give no respect to personal interest or values. They develop minds with a destructive herd mentality out look. And the result projected into  various levels like war and homicide.

Art…. 

Art is a form of expression. It is to express at the best way possible and to get across as genuine as possible.  Art is certainly born out of necessity. When an artist (like a musician, a painter, or a poet) creates something, he / she does not do it as a pass time or a just a hobby. It is more than that. There is emotional contact with what is produced and its created within. That way, it does not need any external recognition. It is not done to seek external appreciation or recognition. While an art piece is being produced, the artist grows along with it, and he changes and grows along side. And that’s why, at the end, we say, the artist has given life to what he has produced. The art then becomes immortal and glorious. It has framed a moment of the artist’s life and made it timeless.

This is of the reason why I have taken visual communication and to be an artist of some sought. Though art can taught I believe that to do it as a subject will throw up new insight into life and create opportunities to meet new people. I want to be responsible and sensitive and thus art is the best field I can be in.

Sports… 

Sports are similar in many ways to art. I play soccer and have grown very fond of it. When I feel angry or happy or sad, I play. It is very relaxing and I have been playing for many years, the sport has many influence in my life and character. While a game is going on, you face situation where you need to react quickly, and you need to make the best decision. Life in a lot of ways is like that. Like sports, you have many people or situations that provoke you and eventually you learn to hold your nerves. While I play, my mind and body comes together and it in itself is a great feeling. That 90 minutes of the game takes me to a different world, and there you have all the freedom and space to learn and be joyful.

Smoking, Alcohol and drugs…

I have simple and strong feelings against these acts. To be speaking the truth, I have not even try to smoke or take drug and I take great pride to be in this way. Many of my friends smoke, and it is very normal. I have had instances where people offer you a cigarette and I have refused. It is not due to fear. If I ever did smoke, I would tell my parents that I do, as I don’t believe in hiding anything. And its not because it is wrong thing to do. Good and bad depend and varies with each person, and thus this issue can not be based on these ideologies. So why don’t I smoke or use drugs? It is simple, as I can do without them in life; I very well do without it. In a way these acts are a stimulant. They give temporary pleasure and highness. They could well be called “Cheap Thrills”. And my life does not need this extra stuff as I have enough fun and pleasure. I don’t want to inhale and puff artificial element to feel great. Cool air, lovely rain and a little bit of chocolate is all that I need.

Love…  

And I think this would be the most difficult thing to put in words…. I have so much to say and while I type, I feel as though my mind is going at such speed that my fingers cant catch up. First thing I would about love is …. Love is to give. It is quite simple at one level and the funny thing that when you are in it, it is the most intense thing. Many a times, I come across people who feel very sad, if the person they love says that they don’t feel the same way towards them…Well, I have a little different view, for me it really does not matter. I don’t love to expect her to love me. Whether she did or not, she has not changed, and so why on earth would my feeling towards her change? I do understand it would be the greatest thing if things were mutual, but I believe with all my hearts energy that she has her space and choice to like me or not. I don’t believe in love at first sight, well that does not mean what you feel for a person at first sight is false. Its like liking a film star… could be infatuation at its best. If I did grow to love someone, whether I call it love or friendship or infatuation or attraction doesn’t really matter. It does not change anything, as all these are mere words and nothing more than that. What I feel for is the truth an doesn’t need to be framed or watered down to a few words.  The relationship doesn’t need to be confined and defined; the greatest thing about being in love is that it unequivocal. A relationship is not to merely make each other comfortable…its to grow along as loving human beings who have the space to be themselves while living together. Correct each other yet not squeezing a view into the other and finally feel nice about living itself. I would like to end here,  if I did try to write more, I might bore things to death. Every thing has its limit and ending is a nice part of growth. Below, I have type out  a small piece from a letter I wrote some time back to the girl I loved…It falls in context here that’s why I am putting it in. As I have said before, I have nothing to hide, and this also means that you can share my writing with others… Nothing is protected against copy right! If you do like a line or so, I will be grateful if you found the space to share it with people you wanted to…and thanks a lot for giving me this opportunity and hope that I have not sounded like a “pseudo intellectual”.  I have been as genuine as possible… Thank You!

Like you say, I am serious in life, and I believe it precious. But I guess I seem this way because I try and understand what I feel. Though I question them, I more often live in a conscious world, and yet ironically believe that one needs to be spontaneous and instinctive as  feelings.

I don’t feel possessive… That way it really doesn’t hit me what you do in life… You should do what you want and when you want, but just have the hope that I would always have the space to share and live many of my beautiful moments with you.

So here I am, with a feel that I should end. My writing could have had a preaching tone to it… I don’t deny, though it is an attempt to be genuine. I believe in what I wrote… and it is a simple expression of love and affection… and this is the only argument I have against it. I have tried to make myself a little worthier that I, an outsider, really am.

I write to you
With an clear sense of hope,
Like a happy song hummed
In a minor scale,
Like soft words of love
Spoken to sleeping ears,
Or like of longing
Written to never to be posted….” 
April 8th

Yours GB